Big Lady On A Little Stick
by Dabbled-at-Euchre
Summary: Rewrote some of episode 1x21 to see how it might have worked if instead of surfer dude "Duke Williams" their guest had been a lady surfer known as "The Duchess". One shot.


The Duchess and Ginger were in the supply hut. The Duchess was eating tropical fruit. Ginger finished the story of how they got shipwrecked.

The Duchess said "Just how do you stand it?"

Ginger said "Well it's a little rough for a few months but you'll get used to it."

"Get used to it? I'll go ape."

"There's no way off the island."

"Hollywood, there are no strings on a woman with a surfboard. All I got to do is get back in shape. Five days on that board and I'm nothing but skin and bones." She began to flex.

Gilligan and the Professor had just stopped over by the supply hut to see what was going on. They saw a blonde woman in dark blue shorts and a dark blue bikini top flexing her very well formed body.

Gilligan said, admiringly "Not bad for skin and bones."

The Professor added, also admiringly "Impressive muscle structure under that epidermis."

Ginger said "Guys, come on in."

The Duchess quickly sized up the newcomers and said "Hollywood, you and Mary Ann aren't lost. You're hiding."

Ginger gave a brief laugh. Then "This is Gilligan and the Professor. Boys, this is Karen Vaughn. She surfs under the stage name, um, beach name The Duchess."

The Duchess beamed at them. They both beamed back. Ginger explained "Mary Ann and I were gathering clams while the Skipper was fishing and this is what he caught."

Gilligan asked, in all seriousness "Really. What did he use for bait?"

The Duchess grinned and took it as a compliment. The guys grinned back at her.

She said with confidence "Gentlemen you can stop dreaming. The Duchess has arrived." She closed in "I'd like to get to know you dudes."

They smiled.

The three of them were at the beach. The Professor was writing equations in wet sand.

"So you see, a shift in the trade winds and the tidal forces compounded by the current pull of the sun have caused a syzygy with the Earth and made a perfect Coriolis effect."

The Duchess turned to Gilligan and whispered "Now why didn't I think of that?"

Gilligan shrugged and said "I didn't think of it either."

The Professor expounded "It's really simple. In 48 hours a reverse tsunami can take you all the way back to Hawaii."

Gilligan said "Duchess that means you can get us all rescued!"

She said "Yeah, about that. We're at a beach. Now that you did your math thing, we should do the normal beach stuff."

"Normal beach stuff?"

Gilligan popped up "She means relax and have a good time."

Later, still on the beach, only with the guys now in their bathing suits.

The Duchess was explaining "Now a lot of surfer Dudes, they love bikini babes who wait for them ashore and tell them how well they ride and what big muscles they have, but the few women who ride the waves, well, we're not in the brotherhood."

Gilligan said "You sound unappreciated." The Professor nodded.

She said "Dude isn't that what I always say. But on the island here you all accept me as a surfer." They both nodded and she smiled.

She changed the subject "Fellow wanted to do a sculpture of me like this once." She flexed her arms and stood on one leg to illustrate.

The Professor said "After my last book was published the yearbook had me pose like this." He held his arm up, elbow out, hand open a few inches to hold a book near his head.

The Duchess said "Hey pretty good deltoids."

The Professor said to Gilligan "She likes my deltoids."

Not wanting to be left out Gilligan cocked his arm.

"Decent definition on your latissimus dorsi."

Gilligan said to the Professor "She likes my latissimus dorsi."

The Professor said "And Duchess your Latin pronunciation is flawless. Are you sure you never studied that scholarly language?"

"Never." She changed the subject "I remember hotdogging off the coast of Malibu" and launched into a story of surfing and body-pose flirting, vigorously stretching her body to illustrate. Her audience watched, entranced. Meanwhile Mary Ann came up and tripped over a rock, falling into the Duchess, who remained upright.

Mary Ann instantly said "I'm so sorry Duchess. Did I hurt you?"

"Little woman, you couldn't knock a hole in the wind with a fistful of hammers." The Duchess replied. Then she did a walk and stretch routine away from Mary Ann. As she stretched like so and like so the guys watched the Duchess entranced, turning away from Mary Ann.

Mary Ann said "Say has anyone seen Ginger? You know, Hollywood? Tall glamorous woman with red hair?"

No one answered her or even looked her way. Mortified at being ignored she walks off.

Later Ginger walked by another clearing and saw Mary Ann, a sea shell in each hand, lifting her arms then wind milling them. She asked "Mary Ann what are you doing?"

"I'm trying to look like the Duchess. She's down at the beach doing" Mary Ann began to pose "this and this and the guys are like" Mary Ann tilted her head forward and stared intently.

"You're not going to get anywhere with empty sea shells."

"I'm just starting with them. Then I'm going to work up to the big stuff."

She indicated a makeshift barbell consisting of a staff with a small rope woven bag of two coconuts tied on at each end.

Ginger said "In Hollywood we tried whatever look we thought we had to have to get the part. If you think you need to be the muscle version of you instead of the classic version of you then I support you making this change." Ginger patted Mary Ann on the back. Mary Ann smiled. Ginger turned and walked off, her face showing more ambiguity then support.

Soon, the Duchess was demonstrating a "ride the surfboard" pose for the guys, who were still watching intently. Suddenly Mary Ann's voice interrupted saying "Help anybody, help."

They rushed to Mary Ann. She was trapped under her barbell.

The Duchess arrived first "Mary Ann, that's no way to do a back press."

"Is that what I was trying to do?" Mary Ann asked.

"Yes. "Now watch me" the Duchess lay down and effortlessly demonstrated. She then hopped to her feet, still holding the barbell. Mary Ann got to her feet too. The Duchess handed over the barbell and said "Now you try."

Mary Ann gripped the barbell and fell over immediately.

Gilligan said "Mary Ann! You'll hurt yourself."

The Duchess picked up the weight and said "Now lay down on your back." When Mary Ann did the Duchess set the weight down and said "Now you try."

Mary Ann reached for the weight behind her head and lifted it up, then dropped it on her neck, making her breathing harder.

The Duchess said "You just don't listen." She again lifted Mary Ann's barbell effortlessly and held it.

Gilligan said "You'd better give up."

The Professor said "Perhaps the regimen of farming you did in your youth was deficient in building arm strength in this fashion." He grew contemplative and continued "Or perhaps your later life as a general store employee and castaway caused your muscles to atrophy. Unused muscle cells turn into fat earlier then we would prefer."

Mary Ann said with determination "No, I can do this."

The Duchess shrugged. "Okay keep practicing." She handed the barbell to Mary Ann, who held it over her body. Then the Duchess said "Let's go guys."

As the three others walked off chatting, Mary Ann said "Wait a minute. You're not going to leave me here are you?" Then she couldn't hold the weight and it dropped against her neck again.

Later Mary Ann walked sluggishly back to the common area. Ginger and the Skipper saw her. He said "Mary Ann are you OK."

She replied in a defeated tone "Yes. I've just been exercising."

"Why?"

"So I can die healthy."

Ginger gave Mary Ann a quick hug then turned and said "Good news Skipper. You get to try the barbeque you and Gilligan made. Grilled fish for Dinner."

The Skipper grinned "I like barbequing."

Ginger said "Yes. I'll just make up fruit salad to go with it. And Mary Ann you just go to our hut and lie down."

Mary Ann had a question. "Can I lie down here?"

Ginger nodded. Mary Ann stretched out on a bench.

The next day Mary Ann was in the lagoon trying to balance herself on the Duchess's surfboard. She fell off a few times. Finally she got a rope and tied herself to the surfboard. Unfortunately she flipped the board over again dunking herself.

The Skipper happened to be wandering nearby. He looked to the sound of the splash and saw a small hand out of the water waving frantically by the surfboard. He ran into the water and flipped the board. Mary Ann surfaced, feet attached to the board, sputtering with the water she breathed in. With excited concern he asked "Mary Ann! Are you okay?"

"Yes." She replied.

"One question Mary Ann and I want a simple answer."

She nodded in reply.

So he asked "Just what are you were trying to do?"

"I'm trying to learn how to surf because the Duchess is too busy hanging out with the guys to return to Hawaii and if I learn how to surf I could get us rescued."

"Mary Ann your heart is in the right place but a surfboard is a difficult craft to master. It takes years to learn to sail one of those things. Now let's go ashore before it dunks you again."

Mary Ann nodded. As she aimed for shore the board slipped, with her still tied to it. The Skipper tries to catch her and loses his balance, dunking them both.

The Professor was intently studying the local plants. The Duchess slowly walked up to him. She put her hand on his shoulder. He turned and gasped in surprise.

"Duchess. You startled me."

"Dude, that's not what I had in mind at all." She said as she smiled seductively at him.

"Oh?"

"In fact I've had other things on my mind ever since I set eyes on you."

"Where's Gilligan."

"Dude, we don't need a cheering section."

He nodded "For most activities a cheering section is redundant." Then he added reflexively "Of course the professional esteem of colleagues when papers are published can really make one feel like an accomplished member of the scientific community."

"Listen I've heard about you science types playing it cool but aren't you carrying it a little far?"

"In this social context how do you define far?"

"I'm talking about life, dude." She rested her left hand on a tree inches from his head. "You take one lonely, cute professor."

He beamed at the compliment.

She continued "Mix with attractive surfer with well sculpted body. Shake well and…" She propelled her other hand to his shoulder. Instinctively he retreated, avoiding her touch. She smiled and admitted "You've got pretty good reflexes."

"I've spent years around repressed academics. I've been chased by the best."

"Till you've been caught by me." She closed in. He maneuvered around a tree, changing the angle of the chase. Then he bolted.

She complained "Dude. This isn't supposed to be a track meet." She looked around the jungle. "Come on Professor. It's time for recess."

Carrying his bedding the Professor ducked into the hut of the other bachelors. He sunk into a chair and panted for breath.

The Skipper looked him over and said "Hi Professor" in a puzzled voice.

Gilligan said "You're breathing hard Professor. What's wrong?"

The Professor said. "Two responses Gilligan." (Pant, pant.) "I need more oxygen to restore my cardiovascular" (pant, pant) "equilibrium. And as to what's wrong" (pant. pant) "The Duchess."

Gilligan smiled "Nothing wrong with her."

"Believe me Gilligan. While we were admiring the sculpting of her physique we overlooked her fangs. Underneath that bronzed epidermis lurks the heart of a predator."

"Professor maybe you're too college type. Take me. I'm more like a guy you'd meet at a bus stop."

"Bus stop, college, Navy ship. It wouldn't make any difference to her."

"Please. She's so blonde and well-formed and hungry."

Gilligan walked to the door. The Professor asked "Where are you going?"

"I see the Duchess."

"And you're going."

"Yep."

"Good luck."

Gilligan stepped outside. The Professor started the stopwatch he used for experiments. Then he asked "Skipper. Is it okay if I bunk here for protection?"

The Skipper nodded, confused but hospitable.

The Professor set his bedding in a corner laid it out. He gave his hair a quick combing. Then he checked his stopwatch and strode to the door and opened it. As Gilligan rushed in he closed the door and said "That was a credible rate of speed for a man of your musculature."

Gilligan said "That Duchess. I've seen typhoons come up softer."

Then he leapt into action "Come on, Professor. Help me get my sea chest in front of the door." They dragged it over.

"A good plan for now but we need a long term solution."

"We've got to do something so she'll back off."

"Any social signal we could conceivably send has a large probability of backfiring. We've got to appeal this to a more knowledgeable authority."

Gilligan looked at the Skipper.

The Skipper begged off "Little Buddy I spent thirty years on the ocean. I didn't have a chance to learn about women."

The Professor nodded. "Mr. Howell then. A socialite like him automatically becomes a student of Homo Sapien behavior."

Gilligan said "Never mind Homo Sapiens. I just hope he studied aggressive surfer ladies."

Mrs. Howell said to her husband. "Thurston I know we have a policy of leaving our past in the past. But that Duchess Imposter is making that dear Academic and that dear boy Gilligan so uncomfortable. Not to mention not doing her part to get us rescued before the next social season. Just once, Thurston Darling, could we make an exception and have you tell what underhanded trick of Howell cunning you used to get rid of Morgana Vandergrift."

Thurston smiled.

That night in a clearing, the Skipper was waxing the surfboard and talking with the Duchess.

The Duchess said "The Professor's an odd one. That's one guy that sure plays hard to get."

Skipper pointed out "Not with Ginger."

"Ginger?"

"Well I just saw them both back there." The Skipper pointed. The Duchess went over to peek.

The Professor was lying with his legs to one end of the clearing. Ginger was lying with her legs to the other side. Their heads were up against each other and they looked at the stars and smiled.

The Professor said "You're sure you're not angry at me?"

Ginger said "Darling don't give it a second thought."

He began to cradle her head and look lovingly at her as he said "But it was unintelligent of me to pay so much attention to the Duchess. It got thematically monotonous. All she does is talk about her physique and surfing. But you're a glamourous actress. How perfectly wonderful you are. You've got highly functional intelligence."

She smiled. "The whole country knows I'm glamorous. But you really like my intelligence?"

"It's one of your best features. Acting requires imagining yourself as the character you play. The best practitioners all use their intellectual gifts to succeed. Say it again darling."

"But you really like my intelligence?"

"Not that darling. The line from the motion picture."

With deep feeling Ginger recited "Alas my poor dear Oliver. No wonder he was gone so many nights. He was the scarlet masked highwayman, trying to give me the life he felt I deserved. Now they've found his mask and pistols. Judge Archer has no mercy he'll send Oliver to the gallows unless…unless… I found his first mask in my boudoir. I can ride to Bristol where I am unknown to sell the necklace and buy two pistols. In the dark I could rob carriages until they decide he's innocent."

"You do that so well. I can really believe you're going to masquerade as an 18th century gentleman of the road. It's so romantic."

She leaned up and kissed him. He kissed her back. Then he said "You don't know what a woman like that dose to me."

"The director had me do 14 different takes of that scene. Then he used the second take."

They kissed deeper a few times. Then Ginger, still lying down, held her arms outstretched, hands in a positon to hold nonexistent pistols and in a deep voice gave the old English stick-up line. "Stand and Deliver!"

They smiled and kissed again.

But the Duchess had heard enough and retreated out of hearing range.

The Duchess returned to the Skipper and complained. "Can't trust those eggheads. On the other hand you and me. We're folks who spend time on the water, we're the salt of the Earth. Same as Gilligan. I was just discussing that with him before he turned in for the night."

The Skipper said "Gilligan? He's not in our hut."

"He's not?"

"Well no. He's with Mary Ann."

"With Mary Ann?"

"I just saw them in their usual spot."

The Duchess went over and looked where the Skipper had pointed.

Gilligan was sitting on a tree stump holding Mary Ann in his lap.

"The Duchess smelled like the ocean."

"Is that bad?"

"Reminded me of my time in the Navy. One giant locker room. For romance I like women who smell more landish."

"I was gathering firewood and picking fruit."

"You carry off that scent well."

They kissed. Gilligan smiled. Then made a bit of a face.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"I think you've taken the crease out of my knee."

"You have such wonderful knees."

"Yeah but it's time to switch."

First Mary Ann stood up and then Gilligan stood up. Mary Ann sat down on the stump. Gilligan sat on her lap. Her arms enfolded him.

Meanwhile Gilligan explained "You're so practical and down to Earth. I like that in a woman"

"You think I'm practical?"

"Yeah. You wouldn't go out on the ocean on just a board. The Skipper and I took people out on a boat big enough for a party. Kept us alive in the storm. Being out on just a board? Ugh."

"That's so sweet." She reached out drew her to him and kissed.

He said "You even kiss great."

She drew him to her and kissed again. Then again.

The Duchess had seen enough. She turned and left.

Meanwhile Gilligan reacted to the kissing and said "Take it easy. Take it easy. You'll break me."

"Gilligan" she said in exasperation "can't you be a little more romantic."

"Okay." He began to flap his arms gently and make "Buzz" sounds.

"Now what are you doing?"

"I don't know. It's got something to do with the birds and the bees."

(The Duchess went back to Hawaii the next day on the reverse tsunami. Unfortunately she tripped and hit her head on a rock at the beach acquiring amnesia, so no rescue.)


End file.
